Philippians 4

Meeting with a brother the other day, expressing most of the things that has been troubling me, about relationships, school, future life, social life, my concerns for others. Afterward, he emailed me back with an encouragement and reminded me of Philippines 4. That Paul was saying he learned to be content in any situation, because of Christ.

I always seem to go to me and all these problems but i never seem to face the facts that none of my problems or issues matter, when it comes to how i should be living my life to Christ. That as Paul learning to be content no matter what happens in his life. Thats the issue that everyone faces, is that not seeing Christ right beside them, and that everything that is happening does not matter.

I wonder how are we to think " 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." I wonder how impossible it is for me to think of these things and how much is it that is depended on Christ to change me, and for me to remember him, but at the same time if my works does not show at all, how can i say i trusted and have faith in him, when i am not trying to do anything about it. That is the biggest thing for me, how can i trust in faith, what he has done and remember it and in that the faith coming from it will change me. When I look at my life and my actions has changes very little to reflect, if i really care about him, when nothing has changed.

But i guess that is where is about being content comes in, content in what he has done, content that no matter what happens i am still his. That content knowing that Christ has died for my sins and that no matter what happens in this world, i will be in heaven worshiping Christ in the end, with no sins to hold me back.

Because someone asked about what i am thankful for with all of the issues going around me and wishing things that will be different. The only thing i cant think of that i am thankful for is being saved by Christ from sin, and that is the bottom line of what Christians fall back to. If i was not saved i most-likely be a drinker of my depression so much that i may have taken my own life bring me to hell, But because Christ has saved me, i don't have to fear that anymore. But is so hard to remember these simple trusts and remember What Paul was saying in Philippines. Is impossible for me but with Christ anything is possible.

Revised entry on Friendship

About a year ago, I wrote some entries about how I think Godly Friendships should work. Now, looking back I think what I said was still right but in how friendship worked for me since then has changed some of my views.

First i will address about the different type of friendships, before i came to CBC. I always trying to look for mentors, so to speak, and people i can help. As, it being the older people, will help me and guide me and i am able to guide the younger people. I was never in my life able to find someone to be a mentor to me, and i did try to guide others but it never really turn out well, plus the fact that i am not in a position to do so. It gave me a almost impossible task, that I needed to find that Christian that was further then me in life and can help me and understand me completely, the issues i have, means i need to be all these things to someone younger then me. In my mind before, i just didn't understand why did i ever not find this person that i can look up too, and even if i think someone else was similar in that position, there was something about that person that ether they just didn't understand me as much as i want to or they are just to busy to get to know me that much. I just keep on thinking that one day God will give me this person.

Now after coming to CBC and being here for over two years, with the church leaders being so transparent, where they always remind people that they are sinners and have issues and thinks stuff anyone else would. Also, with the fact that there is not mentorship so to speak at CBC, i started to wonder if it was right for me to think like that. (as expressed in one of my first entries a year ago) But around the time I wrote the entries last year, i realize that i have not been very good friends to the brothers, that i have spend a lot of time with. After i realize that, i realize that being a brother in Christ, and being a loving brother to people, there is no real mentorship. It was as the Bible says loving one another with brotherly love. If i was really a Christian and i truly cared about my fellow Brother or Sister in Christ then I should be loving and caring to them and that is the basic. There is no mentorship involved in it. In a way viewing Christian friendship as a mentorship, the one doing the leading is almost always has to be right, and that is wrong, because everyone is a sinner and no one more right then the other person, only God's word can show US, what is right or wrong and what we should do about it. We are to speak to each other in love and Speak Gods word, not our own options on what the person should do. But most of all, just loving the person, if the person does not think they are being loved there is no way, they think anyone can help them and being hard on them is not going to help them at all. ( some people it may but most of the time it does not)

One of the guys i knew for a long time, when i first meet him, i think he was cold because he hardly try to talk to me, but i realize he was just not a very good speaker, then he become my teacher, and then he was like my older brother who watching out for me, but the more and more i knew him and knew that he himself sinned and seeing him as a person, and not as a mentor, he is now, i see him as a brother in Christ, someone who is older then me, who has his own sheep to take care of but he is no better then me, in anyway and if asked he will say the same.

One thing that must be noted that, with say people whom God has put as leaders over me, is not like i don't treat them as leaders, but i think of it has, First of all he is a brother in Christ, he is still a man and needs help as much as i do, but at the same time, God has put him as a leader him myself and someone who wants to help me and expresses issues, that he thinks i need to look out for, or rebuke me about sin. But if is just what they think i should do, it does not mean i need to do 100% what they say, is more like why are they telling me that matters, unless is clearly a sin issue. But all of it still comes down to if they and i understand, the core what a brother is to do for another brother loving one another.

As true Friends, we are to remind each other of Christ and be loving and caring to each other, not to boss the other person around thinking they can change their lives but knowing Christ is the one that changes lives and just pointing people to Christ, knowing that they are not any better, a Christian then anyone else, they need Christ as much as anyone else. Only in that way, where we can be loving to one another and not trying to replace God, or trying to find someone who can take the place of God, in their loves.

Holidays

Holidays, for me is not a fun time. Most of the time it is a time, where i feel very alone. My family does not really do anything, even if they do, the most is a lunch and most of the time my dad never goes. When is the Holidays the days feel very long and I am in school so, i should be doing HW stuff but i never really want to do it. In the past most of the time i get emotional break downs a lot more in the holidays and feel very unable to do anything about it. When people put on Christmas theme things and watch Christmas movies, i just wonder first of all the fact that most of that stuff is market and has nothing to do with what Christmas really is. Secondly, I guess because my family does not really do anything, i feel weird and i am not where i should be, around people who do these things. Many times i just wonder to myself, when/if i have a family what will i do, i guess that depends on who i marry, if she cares to do any of that stuff, but if it were up to me, i don't think i will care to do anything about it at all. One thing for sure i don't think i will need to do the, have something with both parents type of thing, cuss my parents don't do that stuff.

I am just not sure how is it that, I know i need to look for Christ, i know i need to be reminded that the Holidays, is a time for me to talk about Christ to people and remember what he has done on the Cross. But i just don't really do that or think about it very much. The things of everything else about my life weights on me and i never remember to look to Christ and realize his plans for all of these things. In many ways i just wish that every day was the same and that there is no special days, to go on, so we don't have to think that we have to do something special on some days and others we don't. I just wish we can live, in a way where that even saying every day is special and that is how we are to treat it. I just wish i had a more biblical mindset about everything and wish i can live where by my faith shown by my works but i don't really see that. I always just fall about to how alone i feel and wishing that these days will be over soon.

Limbo Chap VII-IX

Chap VII - Fish

I walked outside and saw a pool with two fish in it. The two fish reminded me of pain and hoping, that i had. Looking back the pain that i always had and the hope that one day, that the pain will go away. How long i have wished that i didn't care and wishing i was able to have it but that never was true and never will be. Even knowing the pain will not go away, i still hold on to it knowing with out it, there is nothing i have. Looking around i think i saw another fish but was gone before i can see it. Think that not deciding to do anything abou it and just leaving it, wishing that i was not in that position.

Chap VIII - Trees

I looked up and saw many trees that is how little it was that i know of this place or anyone. That walking passing by seeing trees after trees, that i don't know and wishing that i did know about it. Wishing that it was never like this and wishing that , going around will finally find some of the things that i can care about and are able to know but can't happen when i care so much about everything.

Chap XI - Rock

I walked pass everything and saw a Rock on the ground and picked it up. I throw it away, looking back that it was forgetting the troubles around but is always there, choosing not to solve or help. that is issues that will always be there and never will be gone.

Prologue

I fell after this and then there was was the things i have see before and around me, the grass road, The Key, The Rare Flower, The Curtains , Dozen Pink Flowers, Window, The Fishes, The Trees and The Rock. I wonder why it was shown and what it says about everything. But I soon forget am back in the darkness with nothing.
I had a hard time trying to think of how to write this in a way where it still tells the meaning but not to give away, what it really means . So most of the stuff i wrote i am guessing don't really connection to it. I guess i need to improve on these type of writings. I think i will go back to normal format after this.

Limbo Chap III-VI

I saw something from far away. I ran to it and saw this flower that was like no other. I wanted to keep it but I know that all that will do is let it die and it would be in my hands. I started to walk away and keep on going on to find a road. looking back seeing that flower, now it is the only thing there. But i don't have anything for it. The more i walked away the more i wish i had it for it was the only thing different in this word that i have seen but it is to much for a thing like that to be taken. I walk wishing I had the means for it but i never do and there is no way i will at this point.

Chap IV-The curtains

I don't remember how long it has been that i have been walking. So long that my mind drifted away in to the key. That i hold in my hand. I looked at it and remember many things, that i wish i didn't. Looking up i saw something i didn't think i ever will see but There was a cabin in the middle of no where. The curtains were closed. I wondered for a little bit and saw that the curtains are not that strong. It can easily be moved, the curtains looks like it has been open many times and wishing it can be opened but how things are will not have it open.

Chap V- Dozen Pink Flowers

With that in mind i went to the Cabin and found the door open. There was nothing in the cabin but a pot of dozen pink flowers. I wonder why these are there. I wonder how it was to affect things. How the feels go by with seeing something for the first time. Seeing and feeling that rush of wishing and wanting. The passion of emotions that runs when something is seen for the first time and wishing to have that feeling forever. Trying to take that feeling and put it somewhere near hoping that it will not be lose. But now seeing the rest of the cabin. It is so empty and with nothing but the first hint of the Flowers.

Chap VI - Window

I realize there was some stairs and i went in to a room. There was a bed, a desk and a window. The bed didn't seem very interesting but the desk and the window seem equally as interesting. I had a hard time seeing if i should look outside or see what is on the desk. I finally go to the window and looking outside it reminded me of the many things that no matter what happens, seeing the hope is always the best thing. Seeing how things really are, is what that matters.

Limbo Intro & Chap I-II

Was hanging out one day and someone did a personality test thing, where she told it as a story and it made me think that i can write a story out of it. So, i am going to start typing entry's till i am done with the story. There is IX Chapters.

Chap I- Green field

I close my eyes and there was wind in the air. When I opened them, i saw a grass field, a never ending field. I wonder where i am to go, where is the road I am to go. But there are no roads, only the endless field and the sky.I was standing there wondering that all i see is the endless field, so there is no point trying. I was just standing feeling the wind and watching the clouds pass by. How alone it was to be here, how unchanging everything was. I last track of time in this field, then I remembered, that there was a road that i wanted to find but i never seen, so i start to walking, hoping that one day, I will find this road. For some time i have walked but i saw nothing but green and every time i saw a hill, i hoped that, there would be something behind it but it turned out to be more greens. I started running hoping that it will take me faster and hoping i would find the road. I ran and ran until i had passed out and fell. When i came, i realize i didn't fall on grass but on snow. I looked up and saw there was snow slowly falling down everywhere. From the falling snow, it seemed like time was forever slow and much more unchanging then the grass fields were. It made it all the more alone. It was dark and I am hardly able to see anywhere, but i knew that, like the grass, this snow field was just as endless. So i stayed on the cold snowily ground, for it was the only comfort i can find. The only comfort it gave was shape cold pain but it told me that i was still there. I was still alone, i still had feelings. I don't know how long i have been there, and it was a never ending feeling. I closed my eyes again and hoped i never wake up.

Chap II- Key

My eyes opened, I was still on the snowy ground and had no hope of anything. Then i realize one of my hands was holding on to something, which was not snow. I don't it was there before it was a key. The key gave me images of a life. A life i may have had before but i don't remember. I don't know how this key got there. I wondered if i had it when i first hear the winds blow in the green field and never realized it. I don't know anymore, I feel like i have used this key to fight and defend myself. That i hoped in this key more then anything else in the world. That i would never let it go. To understand what this key was, I can't stay here. Maybe the key will hope me find this road i want but i don't know until i try. It took me some time but i was able to get to my feet and was able to have feeling in my body again. I started to walk, in this deep snow in the dark knight.

How to live?

I wonder how it was to live in the Agrarian age, where people farmed and made their own food to eat. I kinda wish it was that simple now, with the Industrial age, most people at less in America works for money that they can buy food and things they need or most of the time don't need. In the Agrarian age, people were already learned how to farm by the time they are like 14-18 and of course get married around that time, start their own family. Now, because people are looking for job specialist and the huge market of college, many people don't get marriage till after 25 and the age cap is getting higher and higher. In farming people have to learn how to responsible adults and be able to do everything by the time they are 18. Now, most people don't become responsible adults at all and if they do is not until they are 28-40.

I always just wish I was going to be able to get a job and work...get married early because i feel like my life is just hanging around with school and i wish i can get to the next stage in life that will be the same for the rest of your life, providing for wife and family. I feel like i have pass my age of being able to get in there young and i have to wait really long annoying years to be able to get in that position. Ironic is the case that, some of the guys were talking about how they messing around when they were young and being dumb and all, realizing they were talking about when they were like still older then me. More so when people use to comparer me to one of the guys, saying i am like a younger version of him because we have lot of similar interest and problems. I know he use to always tell me like how scarier it was to hear my story's because it sounds just like his and he is like dude don't become like me. The way things are going, that is pretty much what is going to happen in that time line. The biggest differences is that he was working when he was 18 and i still have not worked long term yet.

I think for me to really get by strong, i really need to stick to a to-do-list everyday and not let things fly by me as a i waste time. But i really don't like that and If i was working i would be more find with it because i only have so much time to do things but i am in school and is hard to spread out time. With my reading problem and other problems, there is no way that i can work and go to school full time. The main problem being i need to go to school full time to keep my health insecure until i am 26 anyways.

I wonder that being in Christ and his Gospel, is apart from my actions but if i really think that then it will show in my actions. Is paradoxic because that is how God has made it. If it was easy we don't need Christ. But i still wish what i wish even when i know i need to leave everything to Christ but i know i can't do that only he can.

As a student

I am not really sure even being a student is all i know but i am not really sure how i am to be one. Work life you clock in and clock out... or work on projects till they are done... but what is a student? how much work is it that is really done? is it just study for what is going to be on the test... research on essay and write it? How much time a day do people devote to doing that stuff... and how much time do you do other things? how much time do you spend with the bible/praying... when you are a student... Work very clear and out, work these hours and the rest of the time you can do other things... ( or work on projects till you get this one thing then do other things and get back to it ) but being a student... i don't understand the balances... I have been not going to 24... at all because of projects i need done or just other reasons... but i feel like is not very justified. I know they say that 1 unit equals to 2 hours of study... but i feel like i have to spend way more then that to really do anything or i don't understand what it really means to have done. In my mind a good days work is, if they give you a paper then..well u finish that paper in a day but that is impossible but i always try to do that and end up not really doing anything else that day. Even thought i need to swim or something else. I don't understand the balance between school and doing things that will help you take care of yourself... and i guess lastly having fun... (and of course ministry)

RGC

I visited a church last weekend and i was very encourage by it. This church plan is only about two months old but i know two people from the church they use to go to and so i wanted to find out about it. So, I spend my weekend at my friends place, Friday night was their bible study time and it was pretty interesting. The paster was not really preaching but he was doing a verse by verse study, which he ask or people speak up about what they time the passage means and he would try to bring it back on topic or correct them if they are wrong. i got to talk to the paster after word and it was very encouraging, he had a lot of the same concerns that i do about church. I know the first thing was that, the reason why i didn't go to the church they were original from was become it was a college ministry and it really aliens people that want to say there cuss they have no support from older people, and he told me that one of his vision is the bridge that gap. having college kids with singles (which most of the church right now around 30 people are made up of newly working singles) but yea having it so the college kids see and understand what it means to be a single [ and i think he also has vision for even having kids with adults so they can learn something from there]

More importantly, he does not want it to be officially ministry forces but forces in loving one another's. One of the other guys i speak to said that in the past there was a caring ministry where they pray and care for people and a persons roommate would tell the caring ministry but will not do anything himself, which now they want it where everyone is trying to just love each other and care for each other. On Sunday, they had a normal serves, then after word they have a pray meeting thing and interestingly he does not really have a set of things to pray for per-say but he does what he did at the bible study where he ether calls on people or he ask anyone has anything to they want us to pray about and someone would say something, and he would tell one of the other people to pray for them. All the other prayer meetings of that size i went to before i feel like not that many people would share, but he didn't really have to really call out anyone and it went on for at less a good 30 mins of not more, which is very encouraging that most of these college to young adults are really caring to open themselves up to share and to pray for others. I am glad to see a church like this and it was a refreshing trip i had, hopefully it will not be another 2-3 years before i go visit them again.

Prayer

In my small group, someone bring up a good point about praying. In Matthew 26:39 "And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me;nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." Christ did it for the Father... and for us, when we pray, we can pray to heal people or to anything but we need to pray with a Open Palm, where when we pray we pray for the things but with the mindset that If God wills it to happen, if God thinks is good, if is in his plan... and don't fall in to the trap of praying with an Closed Fist, where it becomes idolatry, when we think God you need to give me this, because i really need it...

I think i have always thought of an if is in your will. when i pray i always say that after word but i think i have been thinking not a right mind-set. I was only thinking about that in my mind, that o i understand what i am praying for he may not be taking away or giving to me because is not in his will... so i will say for his will be done. not really thinking like an Open Palm, where the mindset is more like, i ask God that you can do this thing but if is taken away or you don't do it is fine because I trust you, Trust the Gospel, that you know what is right for me.

Is a very hard-line for me to walk with praying because i think for the most part i am praying the wrong things, because of the wrong mind-set. I want God to take away the pains and make me move on in life, rather than being stuck, where i am in life right now. I am not really understanding how much i need Christ and how much the gospel matters. I always come back to looking at my life, that i still have a death clock on me, that i am going to die when i am 30 because of my sleep apnea, but i am still not really doing that much about it, or 1000 of other things. That i always don't understand and get back to the basically, that is Christ and his Gospel and understand that, i will always be in that position and never live from it until i am on heaven.

I really wish i was in a position where the gospel is in my life and i am able to provide for myself and be able to have a family, but i think that is where my down fall of thinking is. where i am not thinking about how where everything i do is to the glory of God and not that Gods glory will give me a life with a family, which i think is the biggest issue i have.

Everything

I wish that i can get out of the endless cycle of not getting anywhere in some may things. I need to be always be working out but i was only able to do that like almost 2 weeks. I have not been able to try to study to learn how to write and read better (i think i really need to go to that disability school that i know someone did and helped them but i don't have 4000$... all thought i can just ask my mom and i think she will let me if i talk her in enough but i really don't feel like i should right now). I don't read the bible/ pray very much. I still have no idea what i want my major to be, and i need to chose a major before i pick my next classes... ( assuming i pass all of the classes)... I think my sleep apnea is getting worst, i feel a lot more tired then i use to be... (which is all the more that i need to work out...) My wish that i was married is always in my mind and for the most part discourage me all the more, looking at my life, seeing how i am and how i am in no position to do anything, which is the thing i hate the most. All of these issues has really coming down on my lately... with having papers and test this week... as well as people getting married and just my greatest ability to fail everything i am trying to do. i say 5-10% of the time is when i try to just is Gods will and he is the only one that can really change me and i should not be looking at my results, that the only thing that matters is that he saved us from sin and we will have everlasting sinless life in heaven, that we are to live for him and not to myself because of what he has done for Christians but when i stop thinking that... i look back at myself, my body, where i am and it pretty much goes out the window, and of course the fact that i am not respectable Christian or one that even if i am not... to be in a position to get married. The only thing i am really doing is getting by on my school work... but i am suffering for it because i need to learn my english, and i am not able to really stay away, because of sleep apnea. I think the hardest thing is that, i think being in a position to be able to get married is a sign that i am on the right track of life and that i can become a Christian who can serve God. But i am not in that position and even thought i know the gospel is what saves us... i guess my desire for marriage is really hurting me, very selfishly.

Dependents

I have been rereading a book by Patrick Morley "The Man In The Mirror". I originally read it when i was in Paul Chung's small group but i guess at the time i didn't think much of it and i only really cared about it when i was reading about friendship or relationship related chapters but i remember Paul telling me, the chapters on money and time chapters are the things i needed to work on far more then relationship issues. At the time i knew he was right but i still didn't think that, until now with the realization of the fact that i put ministry ahead of things i need to do for my own life. so i decided to read this book again.

I would have written more about my reflection on each chapter or so but i only write once a week and i am trying finish the book (most likely read it again later on) so i can start the book for my care group (maybe i will write about that next week). But i am on the chapter on independents, how we rebel against God and take it up on our selfs to choose our own adventure so to speak.

I have been reflecting on how in my life have i just made chooses with out thinking if is edifying to God. What are the things i spend the most time doing, over the things i should be doing. I think the major issue is the fact that i really need to learn how to read and write and over come my disability so i have more options on jobs to be able to get. But I have not really done that with trying to do school work and other things. I think i am thinking of it such as i need to do this but i rather do something else and end up doing things that don't help me at all.

I really need to realize what are my priorities in this life, that we are here to do Christ's work and not my own. That this is a time for me to learn and study and not a time for me to other things. I need to think in a mission mindset for my own life. I have been saved from my own selfishness, the things of this world and that i don't live for them but i live because of what Christ done on the Cross. Which only God can work in me to do.

Creative Writing

have always been wondering, ever since i become a Christian if i should continue to write stories and film. Before i was a Christian i wanted to write stories expressing my pains and suffering, to show the world how much it hurts to live in it. Because that was my main drive to write stories i don't really know if i should keep wanting to write. I think in a way i still want to write like that but with a different goal which is... writing stories about hardships and pain in people and basically just showing this world will never satisfy us and just showing how sinful this world is and hopeless it us, maybe put in a Christian view in it but i don't know, it feels very cheesy to do that. I don't like being cheesy.

On top of my head the only two books that are written by people who are supposedly Christian, which are Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia. I personally don't really believe they are Christians. But the point is that, both of these books are adventure books, which are mainly aimed for kids. The things i want to write are more for adults and are more slice of life, hardship in life and understanding how the person is type of stories which are not for kids. So i don't really know what i can write about. I for sure don't want to write about a some person who has a issue in the beginning and then gets saved by Christ and over comes their issues. If i did that it would be like any other movie, story out there, I can't accepted writing something like that and say it glorifies Christ but is nothing different then any other show in our world.

At the same time with me wanting to be a director and filming movies. My life is not my own anymore and i don't think trying to run after a worldly dream will help me in anyway. Not saying i can't use my skills for ministry related things (which i have). But my main concern is writing. I don't want to write the story of my life and How God worked in my life. If i write that i need to write it when i am like 60 or older, when i really do see how God has worked in my in the years.)

So i am back at the question if i should write stories. I can't write what i would use to write and i have no idea what i can write that is not just Books on how to live a Godly life or topics about God, or story of my life. I still have the desire to write a novel or a screen play where i can film it. If you read this, i guess i ask you, if you have any thoughts on this and how do you think i should go about this. Any thoughts would be great!

Ministry

I have been thinking about the fact that i am not really severing in a ministry (well i am unofficially in one but i don’t do much) I know people have said that i should go to step-up, practices my guitar/violin, so i can play worship. I was in emancipated youth before. But i feel like i am not in a position to do theses. I have sleep apnea, i already have a hard time staying awake in the mornings normally and is worst if i need to come even earlier, then i don’t think i am in a position to be leading worship, anytime soon, and the only other person that does violin does improve, and i can’t wing stuff on the fly, lastly i guess similar reason for not doing worship apples to emancipated youth, I am just not a very out going guy and it really drains me to be there (all thought someone said that not being outgoing is a issue in itself).

I think the biggest issue with me is that, before i came to cbc, i have been so wishing i was leading and doing ministry, mostly to get people to see that i am doing it and that it shows that i am a true Christian. I had a very hard time before because people would not let me serve in anything and a lot of people didn’t respect me because of it. Coming in to cbc i didn’t want to repeat myself with wanting to be in a position where i can tell people, “yea, i do this and that and i am a true Christian because you see that in my life.” I understand that me being bostful about myself, is not serving God. That if i was to go in to a ministry I need to see why i am doing it, and always reflect on it all the time, so i don’t fall in to that trap. I also kinda make it where if someone ask me to serive i will do it, so i am not trying to just get stuff to do. (I did however make it known of my video skills but other then that, i try not to make it seem like i want to do this or that) Lately ( cross-refesese to summer of realizing disciplines entry) I realize that even thought i don’t do that much ministry related work, But when i am asked, i drop almost everything and just work on ministry related things and i realize that i drop my life, the real thing that really matters, is that i am able to ministry to myself and that my life is a refection to others of how Christ has minister to me. Being in a ministry is almost like a secondly thing and how i live my life in Christ is the most important thing in my life. Understanding that only remembering the gospel and knowing that only God can change me, my life, and whatever i do i am to do it for Christ and his gospel.

Future Dream?

In my career class, They asked us to write about two page paper describing a full day on a work day, to get the idea of what we value in life, so to speak, so we can find a job suitable to that life style. It got my wondering about how much are we to think about our Future. I feel like most of the time people ether think to little about their future or think to much. You can also say people that live to much in the past and not enough in the present or live to much in the future.

I wonder what is the balance we are to keep and of course how does that work, when it comes to being a slave of Christ. Most of my life seems to be i live to much in the past but have big dreams of the future. Yet, I live like the present is the only time i have fun and chose to rather have fun, then to study so i can understand how to read and write more.

Trying to think about how to live with Christ, doing his will and remember his gospel becomes gray when it comes to school or working. Most people seem to do their job and go to church on sundays and maybe to go a small group but that is it. Others, puts ministry as number one they want a job that will fit from almost a slide job to doing ministry. I don't fully understand where the balances to all this is. Mainly from how much time to i spend on trying to reach out to people and get to know them or be in a postion to be able to get to know people or how much do i just sit at home and spend time trying to study and learn or even read the bible and Christian books. I tihnk my biggest issue is my reading disability and i need to learn how to read and write... so i can find a job that i can read and write but at the same time, i get really short sighted on how much time to i spend doing that and how much progress am i to see from it on a daily basics.

But i think the main point to get back to is how much do i think about the future, how much do i go after it, how much is that honoring to God. How do i put God above everything. Is my putting a Goal that i want to be in a position to get married an issue when i am also thinking that being in a position to get married also means becoming a humble person who understands how much of a sinner he is and loves others because of what Christ has done for him? How do i become that person? How much do i Goal for being able to lead someone spiritually to seek Christ more? i guess the only thing i can do is to trust God and know his grace for me and believe in his promise to us and that none of this stuff will matter in heaven.

Lone Wolf

There are many things i can say about loneliness but for the past feel years, I still feel lonely and don't really have any real friends. There are a few people who i can talk to now and be encouraged by and some that really try to understand me these few years and try to help me in a lot of ways But they can only be there so much for me because All of us have our own life's and our own struggles to deal with, that we can't really be there for everyone. Is just a matter of in alot of ways you yourself having to learn how to deal with it. It will never be easy to deal with it and feeling isolated by others. It don't help if you see or hear others having a great time hanging out or being very close friends with each other, when you yourself are just sitting at home by yourself isolated. Worst of all is people you want to be close to, who ether can careless about you or just don't have time to spend with you. It makes so much pain in your heart that in alot of ways many of us just wish that it will end. That we can just stop feeling and don't care about what is going on around us.

The in alot of ways a Great truth but at the same time sad and also yet a bitter sweet truth is that. Christ has died for the ones he has saved and has called us to remember his gospel and a call to holiness by helping others and loving one another, but always thinking that it is Christ who does all and it is Christ who saved us from our sins... the very sadness we feel about our place in this world and with other people, which is idiocy to God, who deserves our worship to him. But how much graces he has shown us by dying for the ones he saved and giving us everlasting life with him and be able to worship him by giving us the holy spirit, to change our sinful hearts and to convert us to able to love Chirst becuse he loved us so much.

But we always forget this truth and is always a fight to remember and repent. We are fighting a uphill battle that we can never win but if we are saved God will win it in the end. Is always so hard to remember that hardships the thing God uses to grow us... when is happening to us... and we wish it was not happening to us... that life should be better then this... In many ways no other person can help you in that way, no one can help you be able to understand your own pain and how God wants to us it for you. In that way you are able to just do whatever it is. We are called to trust in Christ, Grow in Trusting in him more and more to be able to just, do his will because he wants us to and we trust in his promise and remembering his grace and saving us from.

We are feel like Lone Wolfs deep down... or at some point in our life and nothing we do will make the pain of it go away... even if we get all we want... a wife/husband... or a great job... or even great in serving in ministry. We are always to remember what Christ has done for us... remember our First love... but that does not mean we get any better at it... it does not mean it will get any easier. we are sinners as long as we are on this earth... One day we all hope to be able to say as Paul has said "I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me!"

Summer of Realizing Disciplines

This summer was a very hard time for me, all though if i think about it i am pretty sure, most of my summers before this was pretty hard too. But i guess this summer was a summer i realize how much i didn’t follow Christ’s commandments. I found myself realizing and also from rebukes from other brothers that Hebrews 12:4 “You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin” and 1 Corinthians 9:25 “Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. ” I realize that i have not taking my life in Christ seriously that i have done very little to really follow, 1 Corinthians 10:31 ” So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” and mainly in the way of me not discipline myself and never understand that we are to 1 Corinthians 9:27 ” But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. “

I realize that i am not Disciplining myself not just in reading the bible/praying/helping others but… most of all in my own life… I think about i rather serve in ministry and not never finding ways to improve my english or looking in to how to lose weight or seeing about how i can get a job. I realized that ministry is just an out pouring of the life you live for Christ because i understand what he has done for me by dyeing on the cross and saving the ones he chooses from sin and it shows by how you live your life in this world and if you follow Christ and understand the bible, you understand that this life as a christian you live to follow God and do his word because that is what he called us to do and we do it because he saved us. I realize that i need to take my walk seriously and do all the things i need to do in life as a man of God. That i will be able to provide for myself ( and in the future a family). In order for me to do that i need to first and for most… learn English seriously so i am able to get a job ( for i have reading disability that really hurts me)… take school more seriously and really work out… and reading the bible to understand Gods word and to pray so i can ask God to help me and that i can relay on him. Making convictions that i can follow … that i have to question myself if i have no convictions of my own about how to live this life and a world of sin… there is something very off about it.

Lastly now… I am not really able to fully talk about what i have really been though in the summer… in a blog like this… but i have shared how i have been feeling my convictions of the summer of realizing disciplines.