Everything

I wish that i can get out of the endless cycle of not getting anywhere in some may things. I need to be always be working out but i was only able to do that like almost 2 weeks. I have not been able to try to study to learn how to write and read better (i think i really need to go to that disability school that i know someone did and helped them but i don't have 4000$... all thought i can just ask my mom and i think she will let me if i talk her in enough but i really don't feel like i should right now). I don't read the bible/ pray very much. I still have no idea what i want my major to be, and i need to chose a major before i pick my next classes... ( assuming i pass all of the classes)... I think my sleep apnea is getting worst, i feel a lot more tired then i use to be... (which is all the more that i need to work out...) My wish that i was married is always in my mind and for the most part discourage me all the more, looking at my life, seeing how i am and how i am in no position to do anything, which is the thing i hate the most. All of these issues has really coming down on my lately... with having papers and test this week... as well as people getting married and just my greatest ability to fail everything i am trying to do. i say 5-10% of the time is when i try to just is Gods will and he is the only one that can really change me and i should not be looking at my results, that the only thing that matters is that he saved us from sin and we will have everlasting sinless life in heaven, that we are to live for him and not to myself because of what he has done for Christians but when i stop thinking that... i look back at myself, my body, where i am and it pretty much goes out the window, and of course the fact that i am not respectable Christian or one that even if i am not... to be in a position to get married. The only thing i am really doing is getting by on my school work... but i am suffering for it because i need to learn my english, and i am not able to really stay away, because of sleep apnea. I think the hardest thing is that, i think being in a position to be able to get married is a sign that i am on the right track of life and that i can become a Christian who can serve God. But i am not in that position and even thought i know the gospel is what saves us... i guess my desire for marriage is really hurting me, very selfishly.

Dependents

I have been rereading a book by Patrick Morley "The Man In The Mirror". I originally read it when i was in Paul Chung's small group but i guess at the time i didn't think much of it and i only really cared about it when i was reading about friendship or relationship related chapters but i remember Paul telling me, the chapters on money and time chapters are the things i needed to work on far more then relationship issues. At the time i knew he was right but i still didn't think that, until now with the realization of the fact that i put ministry ahead of things i need to do for my own life. so i decided to read this book again.

I would have written more about my reflection on each chapter or so but i only write once a week and i am trying finish the book (most likely read it again later on) so i can start the book for my care group (maybe i will write about that next week). But i am on the chapter on independents, how we rebel against God and take it up on our selfs to choose our own adventure so to speak.

I have been reflecting on how in my life have i just made chooses with out thinking if is edifying to God. What are the things i spend the most time doing, over the things i should be doing. I think the major issue is the fact that i really need to learn how to read and write and over come my disability so i have more options on jobs to be able to get. But I have not really done that with trying to do school work and other things. I think i am thinking of it such as i need to do this but i rather do something else and end up doing things that don't help me at all.

I really need to realize what are my priorities in this life, that we are here to do Christ's work and not my own. That this is a time for me to learn and study and not a time for me to other things. I need to think in a mission mindset for my own life. I have been saved from my own selfishness, the things of this world and that i don't live for them but i live because of what Christ done on the Cross. Which only God can work in me to do.

Creative Writing

have always been wondering, ever since i become a Christian if i should continue to write stories and film. Before i was a Christian i wanted to write stories expressing my pains and suffering, to show the world how much it hurts to live in it. Because that was my main drive to write stories i don't really know if i should keep wanting to write. I think in a way i still want to write like that but with a different goal which is... writing stories about hardships and pain in people and basically just showing this world will never satisfy us and just showing how sinful this world is and hopeless it us, maybe put in a Christian view in it but i don't know, it feels very cheesy to do that. I don't like being cheesy.

On top of my head the only two books that are written by people who are supposedly Christian, which are Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia. I personally don't really believe they are Christians. But the point is that, both of these books are adventure books, which are mainly aimed for kids. The things i want to write are more for adults and are more slice of life, hardship in life and understanding how the person is type of stories which are not for kids. So i don't really know what i can write about. I for sure don't want to write about a some person who has a issue in the beginning and then gets saved by Christ and over comes their issues. If i did that it would be like any other movie, story out there, I can't accepted writing something like that and say it glorifies Christ but is nothing different then any other show in our world.

At the same time with me wanting to be a director and filming movies. My life is not my own anymore and i don't think trying to run after a worldly dream will help me in anyway. Not saying i can't use my skills for ministry related things (which i have). But my main concern is writing. I don't want to write the story of my life and How God worked in my life. If i write that i need to write it when i am like 60 or older, when i really do see how God has worked in my in the years.)

So i am back at the question if i should write stories. I can't write what i would use to write and i have no idea what i can write that is not just Books on how to live a Godly life or topics about God, or story of my life. I still have the desire to write a novel or a screen play where i can film it. If you read this, i guess i ask you, if you have any thoughts on this and how do you think i should go about this. Any thoughts would be great!

Ministry

I have been thinking about the fact that i am not really severing in a ministry (well i am unofficially in one but i don’t do much) I know people have said that i should go to step-up, practices my guitar/violin, so i can play worship. I was in emancipated youth before. But i feel like i am not in a position to do theses. I have sleep apnea, i already have a hard time staying awake in the mornings normally and is worst if i need to come even earlier, then i don’t think i am in a position to be leading worship, anytime soon, and the only other person that does violin does improve, and i can’t wing stuff on the fly, lastly i guess similar reason for not doing worship apples to emancipated youth, I am just not a very out going guy and it really drains me to be there (all thought someone said that not being outgoing is a issue in itself).

I think the biggest issue with me is that, before i came to cbc, i have been so wishing i was leading and doing ministry, mostly to get people to see that i am doing it and that it shows that i am a true Christian. I had a very hard time before because people would not let me serve in anything and a lot of people didn’t respect me because of it. Coming in to cbc i didn’t want to repeat myself with wanting to be in a position where i can tell people, “yea, i do this and that and i am a true Christian because you see that in my life.” I understand that me being bostful about myself, is not serving God. That if i was to go in to a ministry I need to see why i am doing it, and always reflect on it all the time, so i don’t fall in to that trap. I also kinda make it where if someone ask me to serive i will do it, so i am not trying to just get stuff to do. (I did however make it known of my video skills but other then that, i try not to make it seem like i want to do this or that) Lately ( cross-refesese to summer of realizing disciplines entry) I realize that even thought i don’t do that much ministry related work, But when i am asked, i drop almost everything and just work on ministry related things and i realize that i drop my life, the real thing that really matters, is that i am able to ministry to myself and that my life is a refection to others of how Christ has minister to me. Being in a ministry is almost like a secondly thing and how i live my life in Christ is the most important thing in my life. Understanding that only remembering the gospel and knowing that only God can change me, my life, and whatever i do i am to do it for Christ and his gospel.

Future Dream?

In my career class, They asked us to write about two page paper describing a full day on a work day, to get the idea of what we value in life, so to speak, so we can find a job suitable to that life style. It got my wondering about how much are we to think about our Future. I feel like most of the time people ether think to little about their future or think to much. You can also say people that live to much in the past and not enough in the present or live to much in the future.

I wonder what is the balance we are to keep and of course how does that work, when it comes to being a slave of Christ. Most of my life seems to be i live to much in the past but have big dreams of the future. Yet, I live like the present is the only time i have fun and chose to rather have fun, then to study so i can understand how to read and write more.

Trying to think about how to live with Christ, doing his will and remember his gospel becomes gray when it comes to school or working. Most people seem to do their job and go to church on sundays and maybe to go a small group but that is it. Others, puts ministry as number one they want a job that will fit from almost a slide job to doing ministry. I don't fully understand where the balances to all this is. Mainly from how much time to i spend on trying to reach out to people and get to know them or be in a postion to be able to get to know people or how much do i just sit at home and spend time trying to study and learn or even read the bible and Christian books. I tihnk my biggest issue is my reading disability and i need to learn how to read and write... so i can find a job that i can read and write but at the same time, i get really short sighted on how much time to i spend doing that and how much progress am i to see from it on a daily basics.

But i think the main point to get back to is how much do i think about the future, how much do i go after it, how much is that honoring to God. How do i put God above everything. Is my putting a Goal that i want to be in a position to get married an issue when i am also thinking that being in a position to get married also means becoming a humble person who understands how much of a sinner he is and loves others because of what Christ has done for him? How do i become that person? How much do i Goal for being able to lead someone spiritually to seek Christ more? i guess the only thing i can do is to trust God and know his grace for me and believe in his promise to us and that none of this stuff will matter in heaven.