How to live?

I wonder how it was to live in the Agrarian age, where people farmed and made their own food to eat. I kinda wish it was that simple now, with the Industrial age, most people at less in America works for money that they can buy food and things they need or most of the time don't need. In the Agrarian age, people were already learned how to farm by the time they are like 14-18 and of course get married around that time, start their own family. Now, because people are looking for job specialist and the huge market of college, many people don't get marriage till after 25 and the age cap is getting higher and higher. In farming people have to learn how to responsible adults and be able to do everything by the time they are 18. Now, most people don't become responsible adults at all and if they do is not until they are 28-40.

I always just wish I was going to be able to get a job and work...get married early because i feel like my life is just hanging around with school and i wish i can get to the next stage in life that will be the same for the rest of your life, providing for wife and family. I feel like i have pass my age of being able to get in there young and i have to wait really long annoying years to be able to get in that position. Ironic is the case that, some of the guys were talking about how they messing around when they were young and being dumb and all, realizing they were talking about when they were like still older then me. More so when people use to comparer me to one of the guys, saying i am like a younger version of him because we have lot of similar interest and problems. I know he use to always tell me like how scarier it was to hear my story's because it sounds just like his and he is like dude don't become like me. The way things are going, that is pretty much what is going to happen in that time line. The biggest differences is that he was working when he was 18 and i still have not worked long term yet.

I think for me to really get by strong, i really need to stick to a to-do-list everyday and not let things fly by me as a i waste time. But i really don't like that and If i was working i would be more find with it because i only have so much time to do things but i am in school and is hard to spread out time. With my reading problem and other problems, there is no way that i can work and go to school full time. The main problem being i need to go to school full time to keep my health insecure until i am 26 anyways.

I wonder that being in Christ and his Gospel, is apart from my actions but if i really think that then it will show in my actions. Is paradoxic because that is how God has made it. If it was easy we don't need Christ. But i still wish what i wish even when i know i need to leave everything to Christ but i know i can't do that only he can.

As a student

I am not really sure even being a student is all i know but i am not really sure how i am to be one. Work life you clock in and clock out... or work on projects till they are done... but what is a student? how much work is it that is really done? is it just study for what is going to be on the test... research on essay and write it? How much time a day do people devote to doing that stuff... and how much time do you do other things? how much time do you spend with the bible/praying... when you are a student... Work very clear and out, work these hours and the rest of the time you can do other things... ( or work on projects till you get this one thing then do other things and get back to it ) but being a student... i don't understand the balances... I have been not going to 24... at all because of projects i need done or just other reasons... but i feel like is not very justified. I know they say that 1 unit equals to 2 hours of study... but i feel like i have to spend way more then that to really do anything or i don't understand what it really means to have done. In my mind a good days work is, if they give you a paper then..well u finish that paper in a day but that is impossible but i always try to do that and end up not really doing anything else that day. Even thought i need to swim or something else. I don't understand the balance between school and doing things that will help you take care of yourself... and i guess lastly having fun... (and of course ministry)

RGC

I visited a church last weekend and i was very encourage by it. This church plan is only about two months old but i know two people from the church they use to go to and so i wanted to find out about it. So, I spend my weekend at my friends place, Friday night was their bible study time and it was pretty interesting. The paster was not really preaching but he was doing a verse by verse study, which he ask or people speak up about what they time the passage means and he would try to bring it back on topic or correct them if they are wrong. i got to talk to the paster after word and it was very encouraging, he had a lot of the same concerns that i do about church. I know the first thing was that, the reason why i didn't go to the church they were original from was become it was a college ministry and it really aliens people that want to say there cuss they have no support from older people, and he told me that one of his vision is the bridge that gap. having college kids with singles (which most of the church right now around 30 people are made up of newly working singles) but yea having it so the college kids see and understand what it means to be a single [ and i think he also has vision for even having kids with adults so they can learn something from there]

More importantly, he does not want it to be officially ministry forces but forces in loving one another's. One of the other guys i speak to said that in the past there was a caring ministry where they pray and care for people and a persons roommate would tell the caring ministry but will not do anything himself, which now they want it where everyone is trying to just love each other and care for each other. On Sunday, they had a normal serves, then after word they have a pray meeting thing and interestingly he does not really have a set of things to pray for per-say but he does what he did at the bible study where he ether calls on people or he ask anyone has anything to they want us to pray about and someone would say something, and he would tell one of the other people to pray for them. All the other prayer meetings of that size i went to before i feel like not that many people would share, but he didn't really have to really call out anyone and it went on for at less a good 30 mins of not more, which is very encouraging that most of these college to young adults are really caring to open themselves up to share and to pray for others. I am glad to see a church like this and it was a refreshing trip i had, hopefully it will not be another 2-3 years before i go visit them again.

Prayer

In my small group, someone bring up a good point about praying. In Matthew 26:39 "And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me;nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." Christ did it for the Father... and for us, when we pray, we can pray to heal people or to anything but we need to pray with a Open Palm, where when we pray we pray for the things but with the mindset that If God wills it to happen, if God thinks is good, if is in his plan... and don't fall in to the trap of praying with an Closed Fist, where it becomes idolatry, when we think God you need to give me this, because i really need it...

I think i have always thought of an if is in your will. when i pray i always say that after word but i think i have been thinking not a right mind-set. I was only thinking about that in my mind, that o i understand what i am praying for he may not be taking away or giving to me because is not in his will... so i will say for his will be done. not really thinking like an Open Palm, where the mindset is more like, i ask God that you can do this thing but if is taken away or you don't do it is fine because I trust you, Trust the Gospel, that you know what is right for me.

Is a very hard-line for me to walk with praying because i think for the most part i am praying the wrong things, because of the wrong mind-set. I want God to take away the pains and make me move on in life, rather than being stuck, where i am in life right now. I am not really understanding how much i need Christ and how much the gospel matters. I always come back to looking at my life, that i still have a death clock on me, that i am going to die when i am 30 because of my sleep apnea, but i am still not really doing that much about it, or 1000 of other things. That i always don't understand and get back to the basically, that is Christ and his Gospel and understand that, i will always be in that position and never live from it until i am on heaven.

I really wish i was in a position where the gospel is in my life and i am able to provide for myself and be able to have a family, but i think that is where my down fall of thinking is. where i am not thinking about how where everything i do is to the glory of God and not that Gods glory will give me a life with a family, which i think is the biggest issue i have.

Everything

I wish that i can get out of the endless cycle of not getting anywhere in some may things. I need to be always be working out but i was only able to do that like almost 2 weeks. I have not been able to try to study to learn how to write and read better (i think i really need to go to that disability school that i know someone did and helped them but i don't have 4000$... all thought i can just ask my mom and i think she will let me if i talk her in enough but i really don't feel like i should right now). I don't read the bible/ pray very much. I still have no idea what i want my major to be, and i need to chose a major before i pick my next classes... ( assuming i pass all of the classes)... I think my sleep apnea is getting worst, i feel a lot more tired then i use to be... (which is all the more that i need to work out...) My wish that i was married is always in my mind and for the most part discourage me all the more, looking at my life, seeing how i am and how i am in no position to do anything, which is the thing i hate the most. All of these issues has really coming down on my lately... with having papers and test this week... as well as people getting married and just my greatest ability to fail everything i am trying to do. i say 5-10% of the time is when i try to just is Gods will and he is the only one that can really change me and i should not be looking at my results, that the only thing that matters is that he saved us from sin and we will have everlasting sinless life in heaven, that we are to live for him and not to myself because of what he has done for Christians but when i stop thinking that... i look back at myself, my body, where i am and it pretty much goes out the window, and of course the fact that i am not respectable Christian or one that even if i am not... to be in a position to get married. The only thing i am really doing is getting by on my school work... but i am suffering for it because i need to learn my english, and i am not able to really stay away, because of sleep apnea. I think the hardest thing is that, i think being in a position to be able to get married is a sign that i am on the right track of life and that i can become a Christian who can serve God. But i am not in that position and even thought i know the gospel is what saves us... i guess my desire for marriage is really hurting me, very selfishly.

Dependents

I have been rereading a book by Patrick Morley "The Man In The Mirror". I originally read it when i was in Paul Chung's small group but i guess at the time i didn't think much of it and i only really cared about it when i was reading about friendship or relationship related chapters but i remember Paul telling me, the chapters on money and time chapters are the things i needed to work on far more then relationship issues. At the time i knew he was right but i still didn't think that, until now with the realization of the fact that i put ministry ahead of things i need to do for my own life. so i decided to read this book again.

I would have written more about my reflection on each chapter or so but i only write once a week and i am trying finish the book (most likely read it again later on) so i can start the book for my care group (maybe i will write about that next week). But i am on the chapter on independents, how we rebel against God and take it up on our selfs to choose our own adventure so to speak.

I have been reflecting on how in my life have i just made chooses with out thinking if is edifying to God. What are the things i spend the most time doing, over the things i should be doing. I think the major issue is the fact that i really need to learn how to read and write and over come my disability so i have more options on jobs to be able to get. But I have not really done that with trying to do school work and other things. I think i am thinking of it such as i need to do this but i rather do something else and end up doing things that don't help me at all.

I really need to realize what are my priorities in this life, that we are here to do Christ's work and not my own. That this is a time for me to learn and study and not a time for me to other things. I need to think in a mission mindset for my own life. I have been saved from my own selfishness, the things of this world and that i don't live for them but i live because of what Christ done on the Cross. Which only God can work in me to do.

Creative Writing

have always been wondering, ever since i become a Christian if i should continue to write stories and film. Before i was a Christian i wanted to write stories expressing my pains and suffering, to show the world how much it hurts to live in it. Because that was my main drive to write stories i don't really know if i should keep wanting to write. I think in a way i still want to write like that but with a different goal which is... writing stories about hardships and pain in people and basically just showing this world will never satisfy us and just showing how sinful this world is and hopeless it us, maybe put in a Christian view in it but i don't know, it feels very cheesy to do that. I don't like being cheesy.

On top of my head the only two books that are written by people who are supposedly Christian, which are Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia. I personally don't really believe they are Christians. But the point is that, both of these books are adventure books, which are mainly aimed for kids. The things i want to write are more for adults and are more slice of life, hardship in life and understanding how the person is type of stories which are not for kids. So i don't really know what i can write about. I for sure don't want to write about a some person who has a issue in the beginning and then gets saved by Christ and over comes their issues. If i did that it would be like any other movie, story out there, I can't accepted writing something like that and say it glorifies Christ but is nothing different then any other show in our world.

At the same time with me wanting to be a director and filming movies. My life is not my own anymore and i don't think trying to run after a worldly dream will help me in anyway. Not saying i can't use my skills for ministry related things (which i have). But my main concern is writing. I don't want to write the story of my life and How God worked in my life. If i write that i need to write it when i am like 60 or older, when i really do see how God has worked in my in the years.)

So i am back at the question if i should write stories. I can't write what i would use to write and i have no idea what i can write that is not just Books on how to live a Godly life or topics about God, or story of my life. I still have the desire to write a novel or a screen play where i can film it. If you read this, i guess i ask you, if you have any thoughts on this and how do you think i should go about this. Any thoughts would be great!